This happens to me at least twice a day. GET A TINY JOB YOU TINY PEOPLE.
This video is the first to appear on my new youtube channel: Laugh Til You Puke. Go check it out at http://www.youtube.com/user/LaughTilYouPuke !
The Tooth Fairy Sneaks Into Your Kids Room At Night and Gives Them Money for Dope
Americans have a lot of mythical beasts coming into their homes at night and doing creepy shit. It’s kind of insane that there is more than ONE, but think about it. We have an elderly obese man who slides down your fire hole, eats your baked goods and then leaves your children dolls and Nintendo 64s. We have a giant rabbit that comes at night with a big basket of eggs-which is weird enough-but then he hides them? Also, how the hell is that stupid rabbit getting into the house? They never explain that one. He just shows up, gives your kids a lot of tooth rot, and then makes you waste your morning by hiding blue eggs in your bushes. That bunny is an asshole. The strangest creature by far, however, is the tooth fairy. Why is it, exactly, that when your kid drops a bloody tooth from their mouth-hole, that this fairy flies in and leaves money under their pillow? It’s a mystery that has been accepted for quite some time without anyone actually bothering to figure out what exactly has been going on.
Until now.
The tooth fairy is a shaky dope fiend and your kid is Walter White. I hate to break it to you that way, but it’s the truth. Can YOU think of any other reason that a mythical flying creature would be paying every six year old who looks like they got in a fist fight? Santa and the Easter Bunny at least leave your children presents and marshmallow peeps. The fairy leaves a wad of sweaty cash right under their precious little skulls, and that’s because fairies like to get high on a special kind of rock. I’m talkin’ INCISORS, son!
This dirtbag fairy comes into your child’s bedroom, grabs the goods and then goes home to his elaborate tooth-palace for a hit of the good stuff. All the while, your kid is pumping out molar-money to buy themselves Elmos and iPods.
This disgusting practice has to stop, but how do we begin? You can’t just knock your kid in the teeth with a steel pipe and call it a day. First of all, that’s generally considered to be “bad parenting” in most circles, but in addition to that, you’re just giving this smile-hoarder more sweet white ice. If you think that this scum bag is above searching through your garbage, you are dead wrong. He’ll slime up his wings and go through every garbage can until he gets his dirty tooth treats. The answer, my friends, is candy.
The answer is always candy.
Stuff your kids mouths with it. Every meal, every day. I don’t care if they get “sick” or they “ cry” or they have “diabetes.” If we as a people can cut down the quality of the goods, this sick dental deviant will leave our homes and our minds for good. The next time this creep comes lurking through your child’s window for some sweet rock candy, let’s make sure that all they get is sweet ROT candy. Sure, your kid might not be able to chew Grandma’s homemade stewed beef anymore, but we all know that you’re just humoring your Mom anyway and that her stew tastes like hot garbage. You’re doing your kid a favor, so please, pile on the Pixie Stix.
Cavities are the cure, my friends. Cavities.
Well, that, or a gun. You could just shoot the tooth fairy with a gun.
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Evolution Favors the Gull
Every sea gull that has ever been born is better than any human being.
There. I said it. Someone had to, right?
Perhaps I should start from the beginning.
The other day, I was standing on a pier in the lovely hot-dog-puke-soaked part of town known as Coney Island. As I stood there letting the salty air blow over my head, I started to observe a majestic white sea gull flying towards me. He looked so dignified, so majestic as he soared over my head, landed on the ground, and put his all knowing bird head inside a soiled Cool Ranch Dorritos bag. It wasn’t the Dorrito-pecking that amazed me, but what he did immediately after.
He picked up his head, spread his wings, and within ten seconds he was on a post over five hundred feet away from me. Just like that. Here one second, there another. It amazed me, and that’s when I had an epiphany.
Humans suck.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to make a political statement about what humans are doing to the earth. I’m also not trying to say that MANKIND sucks. What I’m trying to say, is that we, as human animals, SUCK.
And it all boils down to the fact that we don’t have wings.
Listen, I know that birds have been around a lot longer than humans, and most people seem to think that they are the direct descedents of totally awesome Dinosaurs. I would believe this, because birds are totally kickass. Every bird can get wherever they want by just DECIDING THEY WANT TO BE THERE. Oh, it’s cold? Guess I’ll fly down south. See you in a couple of days.
Birds don’t need to make reservations. They don’t need to show up at the airport three goddamn hours early so some guy in a blue shirt can touch his testes and make sure there isn’t a bomb in his artificial leg. Birds just go.
And that’s why we, as humans, are below them. I don’t care how evolved our brains are. I know we have “consciousness” and “philosophy”, but guess what? I would give up all of philosophy for a set of wings. Humans used their big brains to build airplanes, but I still have to go through all the bullshit if I want to end up at point B and I’m at point A. If a seagull wants to go on a trip a few miles away, he isn’t forced to sit next to a fat baby and watch an edited version of “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days”.
I feel like you can’t even argue that we are even evolving our brains anymore. We’re on autopilot, with the occasional Jersey Shore related downgrade. If anything, our big dumb nerve gunk is going to cause us to miss out on the chance to have awesome wings. We will probably just build nuclear bombs and blow each other out of the water, denying us the millions of years needed to have a badass feather back.
We’ll all be freaking out. Nuclear winter. Cannibalism. Massive riots and power outages and wars and famine after famine after famine.
And then there will be the seagull, just chillin’, eating our leftover Dorritos. He’ll look at the big dumb humans, think “ Huh, wonder what that’s about?” and then fly away.
Fuck you, Gull.
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Tagged as Birds, Column, Comedy, Commentary, Dorritos, Editoral, Evolution, Fuck You, Old Man, Rant, Seagull, Writing