Good evening. You don’t know me that well because I don’t usually have an outlet to speak, but I’m sure that you recognize me. In fact, I’m quite certain you do. You’ve seen me swaying in the wind atop a beautiful 74 year old pinkish white head. With every fist pound and finger point, my locks tumble about like a bunch of angry dandelions in the wind.
I’m Senator Bernie Sanders’ hair, and I want to be your next presidential follicles.
Now, I know a lot of you are going to write me off immediately. I belong to a kook, you think. Why bother reading this anyway? I’m not going to be presidential hair. I’m just sitting on top of a guy who’s just out there to “get an audience for his socialist agenda”. You like me, but I’m just not electable hair. Well, you know what I think, America?
It’s time to cut the crap! For too damn long our country has been run by the hair of millionaires and billionaires. I happen to have a perfectly acceptable middle class haircut that I think works for the majority of Americans. The talking heads on the mainstream media are always saying “Why doesn’t Bernie get a haircut? He looks like a lunatic. He kind of looks like my drunk uncle Lou, always standing on the porch and yelling at the kids to get of his lawn”. Well you know who Bernie’s going to keep off the lawn? The WHITE HOUSE lawn?
Donald Trump and the republicans, that’s who.
Sure, I may not seem as well coifed as Hillary’s head, but you’ve got to realize that her hair is the result of hundreds of thousands of Goldmann Sachs dollars. Ladies and gentleman, we’ve got to get stylists out of American politics. Bernie believes in a barbershop system that works for ALL Americans, not just guys named Sven from Brooklyn. Bernie gets me cut at Supercuts, and that’s just fine by me. Girl named Jessica. Fantastic job. Really. Fantastic.
The point that I’m getting at, ladies and gentleman, is that you shouldn’t let my wildness distract you from Bernie’s mission. He’s a good man. He cares about America. He cares about you. Would it be nice to be groomed by a comb that was made sometime after the Nixon Administration? Sure. Would it be nice to be washed with Aveda instead of “Dollar Store General Shampoo Number 1”? Of course! But that’s not what Bernie is concerned with.
2016 will be the election that decides the future as we know it. I want you to think about that when you go to vote this year, friends. Do you want the head that goes to bed on the White House pillows every night to be doused in fine Italian hairspray by a team of sixteen people? Do you want it to be a smug yellow combover? Or do you want it to be an honest clump of stringy white that gets cut every 2 months at Supercuts by Jessica?
I’m Bernie Sanders’ hair, and I approve this message.
Seriously. Jessica at Supercuts. Check her out. Fantastic job. Really. Fantastic.